#1,501

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But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12: 9a ESV

I have no good reason to complain.


Really, I don’t.


I have my little gratitude journal with 1,500 (and counting) reasons not to complain:


Reasons to say “Thank you” to my maker, my God.


So, why am I feeling this way?


I think it started when I went out to get my blood clotting time checked.  It was a since enough day today - the sun was shining - and unlike yesterday, my trip out didn’t trigger an arrhythmia attack. (Thank you.)


As I sat in my power chair, (another thank you),  I watched a group of women sitting a bit aways from me.


They all looked to be around my age.


As I waited, a nurse walked over to them and spoke a few words, followed by exclamations of delight.  Evidently one of the other patients was there for cath lab work - and an expected heart blockage wasn’t found.  Her heart was in much better shape than anyone imagined.


The women broke out in smiles and chattered excitedly  amongst themselves.


The longer I watched them, the lonelier I felt.


I realized that I’ve no in real life friends as the woman (whom I never saw), did.  You could tell she was much loved.


I felt …


alone.


And I’m realizing that feeling alone is a decided weakness for me right now.  I’ve never really been alone before.  Even after my divorce, I had my four kids to keep me company.  Now, the house can get too quiet for my liking.


As morbid as it may be, I’ve thought about my own funeral.  Our family has dwindled.  Extended family moved away.  And I’ve no real friends.  When it comes, it will be a very small affair.  And that has bothered me.  I wanted to make a mark in this world.  My way.  And people around me were a part of that mark.


And that is not at all to say that I haven’t been incredibly blessed by those of you I have met, online, via this blog and through Rest Ministries.  I am proud to call you friends.  


But sometimes, sometimes, I yearn for a hand to hold - for a hug to encircle me - for a human touch - to look into reassuring eyes.


I have to remember that I am where I am for a reason.  Some of it being, I was so busy with work and getting my doctorate, that I didn’t have much time for friends. I made a lot of choices that I now regret.


And now that I’ve the time, well ….  it’s different now.


Chronic illness seems to follow a fairly friendless path for some of us.


I so struggle with not having the world’s largest pity party right now.  And as I’m not sure how successful I’m being, I turn to God’s word.  


I’m trying to learn more about worship.  True worship.  


As I read,  I realize that I am so missing the point of it all.


He is to become greater.  I am to become less and less.  Sometimes, that is a joyful thing to me.  Other times, like today - and the days I see ahead where I will be more and more on my own - I would be lying if I said I felt completely ok with my circumstances.


How God is at work! Here - on these scary high places - the ones I must learn to walk on alone - God is busy.  He’s refining me.  Digging up the yucky stuff inside of my heart and showing me what is there - and offering me a choices as He shows how fear dictates so much of my response to life - down to the fear of being alone.


Do I want to hold on to it?  Do I want to nurse those hurt feelings?  Or will I turn away from them and realize that He and He alone, is sufficient for me.


It’s called amazing grace for a reason.


And I suddenly recall a saying I heard years ago.  God doesn’t give grace in advance.  He gives it when we need it.


And the grace I’ll need tomorrow - well, He’ll provide all I need when and as I need it.


And that makes “now” a whole lot easier.


And I’ve another “Thank you” to add to my list.


 © deni weber 2010-2015