Another Season of Letting Go

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What then shall we say to these things? If God is for  us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?  Romans 8: 31-32

I am and always have been an emotional person. It is easy for me to let my feelings run away with me.  It seems I tie into the emotions of those around me, and it is not unusual for me to be influenced by the emotions of others.

That has been happening a lot lately.  My mom (who is 96 for those of you who are new to the blog) who has lived with us for six years has been diagnosed with a condition called Lewy Body Dementia.  It's in the Alzheimer's family.  

She is currently in nursing home rehab close to my home.  I've been getting a lot of late night/early morning/middle of the day calls where she is crying from emotional overwhelm and is very, very confused.

Today is the worst it has been.  My emotions are running high as well.  Frazzled and feeling out of control myself because there is nothing I can do to help her, I took my frustration out on her nurse, getting very upset and even yelling into the phone.

Not terribly like me. I felt so embarrassed apologizing to him.

The more her cognitions slip, the more upset I have become. Today's phone call found her thinking she was in another room, that her bed-partner had been taken out of the room with a blanket over her head (I thought she had died and they needed my mom out of the room for a bit.)

I called her nurse and found out that none of that had happened and that my mom was still in her own room.

Talking to my mom was challenging to say the least.  I felt my own emotions spiraling out of control.  What could I do?  What should I do?

I knew I couldn't keep on this way.

And that's when it happened.

It was almost as if someone had comfortingly lain their hand on my shoulder.  

Then I seemed to hear the words.

"deni …. let me take care of her."

I blinked.

"Let me take care of her.  There is nothing you can do.  Let go of her feelings."

I felt a sense of calm.

You see, I hadn't stopped to pray.  I was trying to carry it all myself, even though I know the emotional adrenaline rushes I get aren't good for my health.

"Let me take care of her."

I take a deep breath and repeat that to myself.

How often I forget!  How often I try to deal with things that are not meant for me!  And how seldom I can remember, when in the midst of emotional turmoil, that I can set down what I cannot control.

I can't control the emotions of my mom.  I can try to comfort her.  But, with her current state, I'm sometimes not able to do that.  I need to accept it.  I need to let the only one who truly can take care of it, care for her.

It is another season of letting go.

Father God.  Thank you for your reminders that we need never carry things alone.  That many times, the burden we carry is not ours at all.  Thank you that you have reassured us over and over that you care for each of your children and will never let even one of them go.  Amen and amen.

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