But I SHOULD Be Doing ….

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.  Psalm 118:24

As I am forced to spend more time with myself, I learn more and more about myself.  I've always known I'm not a patient person.  I didn't realize how much that impacts the way I view my life. I am finding that instead of staying in the moment called today, I usually am looking at the next thing I could or "should" be doing.  

I want things to happen in a specific time frame.  When I was working and seeing clients, life presented itself in one-hour increments.  My life ran on a schedule of meetings, conferences, and a to-do list that was always completed on time.  When I was in school, coursework had specific deadlines.

Now, I find I create those deadlines for myself.  Then, I get frustrated when they are not met.  Frustration leads to anger and anxiety and a sense of being behind - when it's MY schedule.  

I want to plan housework days.  My body doesn't always agree!  Having a houseful of kids (3,6,8, 14 and 17, grandchildren and children) makes scheduling hard as well.  I find myself saying, "We are behind on laundry."  "I wanted (fill in the blank here) done today."

I finally realized that my frustrations, resentments, and impatient attitude all come from within.  (OUCH!)  I'm causing a lot of my own grief by not accepting the moment I'm in.

I'm realizing I have all the time I really need to get done the things that need to be done.  It's just a fact that I'll always be behind that "to-do" list.  It's gonna happen.  Accept it.  I don't have to rush.  Where am I going anyway?  I don't have to hurry. I can simply take a breath and relax - even when the breathing is difficult.

Three kids squabbling in the kitchen?  Enjoy it.  Those voices will be gone soon enough.   Paperwork piling up?  (Oh boy, does it!)  As long as I'm getting something done - it's enough.  Housework?  Well, as my mom used to say, it will be there tomorrow.  It is.  And that's ok.

I need now.  Today.  This moment.  The TV is blaring a kid's show I'd rather not watch.  I thank God for those children in this house.  A to-do list?  I thank God there are things to be done.  

What a new feeling - to slow down and take the pressure off of me.  I put it there.  I can take it off.  I breathe easier.  I no longer have to say, "Gosh, I wish I was doing (another fill-in the blank) right now."  I can look at what I am doing right now - and I can be grateful I am here right now to do it.

Father God, Thank you for the many lessons that lie hidden within lives filled with chronic challenges.  Thank you for your patience with me when I am impatient with myself and those around me.  Thank you that you have given me today.  Amen and amen.

 © deni weber 2010-2015