Can I Make an Example of You?

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Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

For me, this life of chronic illness is all about lessons.

One lesson I’m learning is just how much this is all not about me.  It’s about God’s purpose for me.

I find I can’t write every day anymore.  My writing was one place where I felt I was serving God as best I could. 

I see it becoming more and more challenging for my family to care for me, particularly in the hospital.

With all my allergies, we pretty much take everything I could possible need with me.  Food needs to be brought in.  

When my husband was alive, he stayed with me 24/7. I need an advocate with me.  It was simpler when he was alive.

My family members have jobs, their own families, and other commitments.  I begin to feel like a burden.

Then with doctor appointments, and seemingly endless testing, I require transportation, assistance in the office so I can remember all I am told.

It goes on and on and on.

The day I got home from the hospital, I had a talk with God about it all.

Just one thing after another it seems.  And my ability to do? It grows less and less.

And yes, I am performance based.  I want to be able to “do.”

Do something for God.

So, when I had my talk with God, I pretty much asked Him, “What good am I now?  I require more and more care and am able to give back less and less.”

The answer surprised me.  Took me aback.

It came in the form of a question.

“deni … can I use you as my example?  Can I trust you to witness for me, even if from a hospital bed?  Can you stop the grumbling and complaining and point toward me - no matter what happens?”

That was a hard question to answer.  I felt, embedded in that question, was the fact that things might not get easier for me.  If anything, the challenges may grow harder.

So, the question became, am I willing?  Am I willing to let this seemingly endless string of challenges go on for as long as God wills?

And, in the process, am I willing to continue to point to God every time I can and stop grumbling and complain - which I do so well?

It’s something I’m still pondering.  It’s not easy for me to answer truthfully.  I don’t like to think that my health will continue to go down hill. Is this the path God planned for me?  

So, the question repeats itself - am I willing - no matter what?

And, if He asks … are you?

 © deni weber 2010-2015