Fighting the Emptiness

empty.tiff

I am forgotten as a dead man, out of mind; I am like a broken vessel. Psalm 31:12

Someone I consider a friend and a mentor of sorts (she has gone before me in so many of the things I have wanted to do and I so admire her for that!), made the comment that I have "so much to give."

Huh?

My first thought was that she doesn't know me very well …. that she doesn't see the emptiness I am carrying around inside of myself lately.  Doesn't she know how broken I am?

I've written about it.  Prayed about it.  Sat before the Lord with it.

Yet, the emptiness remains.

I am only now coming to realize that God needs me to be empty.

It is only when I am empty that He can even begin to use me.

I finally understand what it means when Scripture says that we are meant to be vessels.

And vessels are empty until they are filled by an outside source.

Vessels don't fill themselves.

But, believe me, I've tried!  I've tried so many things to fill what I like to call the hole in my soul - a hole so empty that the wind rushes through it.

So today - a new bit of understanding.

I am supposed to be empty.

Being this empty is the only way God can truly use me.  The only way He can give through me.

I admit I do not at all like this feeling.  The hollowness.  The void.

Yet, somehow I am feeling God nods in agreement with me.

This is how I am supposed to be.

This is how He can work through me.

I mustn't fight it.

I mustn't run to fill it.

I must feel it.

And then trust Him to use this vessel in whatever manner He chooses.

I must choose to remain empty for as long as He desires.

I know this in counter-intuitive.

But it is also a relief.  I can stop wasting energy running after what can never satisfy.

And I'm wondering …. how many of you are struggling, fighting the emptiness?  

Chronic illness brings us so darn many challenges and losses.  Sometimes we fight to bring back what was lost.

What if …. just what if …. empty is what we need to be?

What if then, and only then, God can take fill us to the brim so that we overflow into our world?

But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; 2 Corinthians 4:7

Father God, help me - help us - not to fight the necessary emptiness that must be there for you to once again fill us.  Help us to learn to tolerate the uncomfortableness of feeling the hollowness of being empty of all things.  Help us to make that sacrifice in Your name.  Amen and amen.

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