How Can Everything Be Ok?

Have you ever wondered how everything can be falling apart around you, yet you can still be ok? Or even if it can be ok ever again? Perhaps God has some surprises for you that are waiting just around the corner.

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Well, the short answer is, "I don't know really."

But that is only the short answer.

I've had a few folks wonder about my apparent lack of complete devastation and unraveling into total uselessness since the death of my husband.

Somehow, I guess, I come across as Pollyanna-ish and maybe even unfeeling.  I'm told I'm still in "shock" and that the horrendous pain will hit at some point.

Perhaps they are right.

At this point, I don't really know.

I also don't truly understand what is happening in our family's life.

Folks ask about the little ones and how they are doing.

I tell them that they are doing better than I expected them to do with the death of their dad. We talk a lot about "daddy," but we are sharing moments of joy mixed with sorrow.

 I am told they are denying their feeilngs - repressing their "real" emotions.

I don't really know.

People look kindly at me with tears in their eyes and I find that I am the one comforting them.

Even my husband's oncologist called me and told me, at the end of the conversation, that this was all wrong.  She should be the one comforting me.

All I can do is point to God.

Because it IS God who is doing this.

The same thing happened with the death of my daughter.

I felt I was buffered and protected.  So many amazing things happened during that time that are almost impossible to recount and have anyone at all believe them.

It's happening again now.

God is the closest He has ever been to me - or that I have allowed Him to be.

There is a quote allegedly from Mother Teresa that I partially agree with.  

“Pain and suffering have come into your life, but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus - a sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you.”

I am not sure that pain, sorrow and suffering "are but the kiss of Jesus" - but I do believe that they draw you so close to Him that you feel His closeness perhaps more than at any other time in your life.

And that is how I am making it through these days.

Do I grieve?  Of course.  But I am not a puddle on the floor that cannot and does not want to function. Yes, I've had my moments.  But as a lifestyle?  No. (And I am not saying it is a bad thing if you are - it is just that I am not.)

Is our life upside down now?  You betcha!  It's a brand new world out there now.  And not one I would have chosen.

Am I angry that this has happened?  At some levels, I am furious!  Yet, underneath it all is the over-riding comfort that God is bringing me.

So, I too, question.  

Why me?  Why us?  Why is God choosing to bless us this way?  

And now my long answer.

I don't know, really.

I'm just grateful that He is.

So, dear ones, if you think I am an "inspiration" or someone to be emulated.

Please don't.

I don't want you to see me in all of this.

My prayer is that you see God.

Father God, You amaze me, delight me, comfort me, and hold on to me.  I cannot give you enough praise for all You are doing.  I pray for each reader, Lord, that as they read the words you have given me for the things You are doing - that they will clearly see You and You alone. Amen and Amen.

Come and see what God has done, His awesome deeds for mankind! Psalm 66:5

(c) Can Stock Photo Inc. / gallery_1905

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