I Looked Up

Pray Always 8x 10.jpg

Life has been a struggle lately.

My 18-year-old son and day-time caregiver moved out a bit over a month ago.  I know a big part of the reason he left was the level of care I now need. 

The “why” is that I’ve not been able to stand for over a minute without my heart rate skyrocketing up thirty - forty - sixty beats a minute leaving me ready to pass out if I dared stand longer - and the faster my heart races, the more likely it is I will experience long bouts of arrhythmias.

And, I will openly admit that I’ve been bitter and angry as I’ve gotten more and more dependent and less and less has gotten done around the house.

My goal has just been to make it through the day without triggering a heart episode.  As those have increased - so has my fear level of being home alone.

My level of grumbling and complaining has reached an all time high.

I decided I needed to do SOMETHING different.

I forced myself to take the steps necessary to get outside on our second story deck and sit in the sun (wearing fingerless gloves, a hat, a coat, and winter boots in 60 degree weather.  My cancer med has made me intolerant to cold - and suddenly, 60 degrees is cold!)

I glanced down into my once beautiful, flower-filled yard.  I saw weeds.  And garbage.  Garbage  strewn seemingly everywhere.  Raccoons apparently decided to raid our garbage cans at night.

I just stared.

I didn’t know whether to feel more sorry for myself, or more mad, or more resentful - or exactly what.  I just knew that what I was looking at was helping my rotten mood along quite well and I sensed I could trigger another panic-attack as my heart rate rose.

Then, I told myself.

No more.

But what else could I do?

What I did was look up.

I looked up into an amazingly blue sky.  I saw the trees, turning lovely colors, swaying in the breeze.  I looked across the road.

We live next to a small lake.  The view is almost obscured by weeds and overgrowth - but I didn’t care. I focused on the water dancing in the sunlight.  On the trees across from the lake - the breeze - that sky.  I simply gazed up.  I refused to look down again.

And I felt God speaking to me.

I was given yet another choice. 

Yeah, I could look at the disaster of my yard.  I could bemoan much, as I remembered how it used to look.  Or …

I could look up.

I could quite deliberately look up to the one who created that sky, those trees, guided the wind … and made me,

and say “Thank You.”

That afternoon of sitting in the sun began to change me.

I realized just how often I look down at the wreckage around me - and forget to look up to the beauty that exists at the same time.

I don’t know where you are in life right now.  Perhaps, you have made that choice to keep looking up no matter what.  If so, good for you!!  I may not even know you, but I am so proud of you, because I know just how hard that is.

And if you are one that is struggling - if you are surrounded by a seemingly wrecked life, take heart.  Think on Joseph in the prison for years on end, think of Moses in the desert for all those decades after he ran to escape Pharaoh.  We are not the only ones to have desert times, times when it all feels as if it is falling apart, times where it may feel God has forgotten us.  Times when we just feel … well … wrecked.

But He hasn’t forgotten us.

He really hasn’t.  Not for one minute!

But in order to know that to be true, we have to quit looking for signs that confirm our fears, and look to the only one who can take those fears away.

We have to look up.

My voice shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD: in the morning will I direct my prayer unto thee, and will look up.  Psalm 5:3, KJV

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  My gift for you today!

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 © deni weber 2010-2015