If Not Now …

Lord, I’m so ashamed.

I know I should be happy for her.  She’s a good person.  She needs something special like this.

But as soon as I heard her news, a tiny, whining voice spoke up inside of me.

“What about me?  Why didn’t that happened for me?  I’ve been trying longer than she has.  Why not me?”

I sit quietly and wait for an answer.  But I am met with only silence.

It’s happening so often lately.  I see others getting what I want.  It looks so easy for them.  I’ve worked and worked and worked … and …

I trail off.

Still silence.

My mind goes back to all of the people I envy.  All of the things I’ve tried and failed at.

My music.

My art.

My writing.

Yes.  I consider them to be failures.  What I do, I do on such a small scale.  

And I’m getting old now, Lord.  The years pass so quickly.  If not now, Lord … when?

More silence.

I breathe deeply.

Something inside of me stirs.

The discontent is uncomfortable.  The envy unpalatable.  

I don’t like these feelings, Lord.  I feel small.  Ugly inside.

Only three words come forth from the silence.

“Then let go.”

I breathe deeply again.  Those were not the words I wanted to hear.  I feel as if I have been trying to let go of envy all of my life.  Always comparing myself.  Never quite good enough.

Again the words, “Let go.”

Followed shortly after by His words,

“If not now … when?”


For my fellow Hinds Feet on High Places travelers (and for those of you who would like to join us!), tentative plans are to start the study on January 12th.  

What the study will look like:  

My job:  Each week I will post questions pertaining to the chapter being read that week. I’ll join in with my own comments in the discussion.

Your job:  Read the chapter, work on the questions (which are more study guides than actual to-be-answered questions), and post to the discussion.  If you get behind or start late - no worries.  The discussions will be on going and you can work through the book as you are able to! (You’ll be able to subscribe to the discussions and receive the questions via email. I’ll also make a pdf of the questions available.)

The discussion page has been created and a small chat incorporated.  What I need are a few volunteers to help me test drive the area.  It is a locked area of this site and I need to find out if the password protection works, etc.  

I’m also going to open the area up for introductions soon, (once I know it works!!), so we can get to know who all of our fellow travelers are before we join hands and head up the mountain on January 12th.

 © deni weber 2010-2015