It’s a Beginning

Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father.  But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows. Matthew 18:29-31

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When I was younger … raising a family of four little ones and living with an abusive alcoholic husband - Scripture was my refuge.

I could hardly wait for time alone so I could grab my Bible and read.  Scripture verse would lead to scripture verse and I felt so compelled and alive in Him.

Those days seem very far away for many reasons   - but mostly because I gave up on God.

The rocky marriage led to my being left with those same four children.  I was staunchly against divorce and could not understand why God did not answer my prayers for the marriage to stay whole.  After all, God could change Him, right?

When that didn’t happen, my faith wavered - then crashed.  Being a single mom, having two very ill children, having to work and scrimp was not my idea of an abundant life.

I was at the end of myself - and at what I thought was the end of God’s grace for me.

I felt rotten as a mom, rotten as a wife, and like I was continually letting God down.

So … I struck out on my own.

Kind of funny how life cycles around.  For completely different reasons, I find myself once again at the end of my own strength.

Fortunately, I’m learning that this is the place where God begins for me.  Not ends. 

My first instinct is always to panic.  Today, after having been switched to a medication that will thin my blood, but is difficult to regulate in my system, I found out that the clinic that was supposed to monitor me closely - can’t.  They are too full to even see me until next week.

Panic struck.  This can’t be happening.  They promised I’d be closely watched.  Now what?

When I stopped to think, I realized God is still in control.  I realized I hadn’t gone to Him.  I realized that He will work it out.  I put in a call to my cardiologist - and now wait.  What is different this time is that I have a confidence (new!) that this will resolve and the end results are in God’s hands.

I’ve been praying a specific prayer for all on my prayer list.  This one verse jumped up and waved its arms at me as I read it this morning.

(It’s only part of a wonderful prayer.  I’d encourage you to read the whole passage, but will not quote it here.  Colossians 1:9-14.)

Here is verse 11:

May you be strengthened with all power according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy.

I’m not sure why the word “power” is becoming important to me right now.  I search out verses to help me understand.  This one found me.

HE is the one who will strengthen me.  HE is the one who will grant me endurance.  HE is the one who will grant me patience - with joy tossed in on top of it!

It’s not up to me at all!  It never was!  What an immense relief!  

I know now that the place I need be in in Scripture.  God’s word holds so many answers for me, that I’ve yet to uncover.  It’s kind of exciting to let go this way.

This is so step-by-step.  It took SO long to get here.  

I’m grateful I am given the opportunity to share here.  I want to say to anyone who is at the place where I was all those years ago - the place where you are at the end of yourself and feel there is no where to turn, that you are right where you need to be as crazy as that sounds.  

I am learning that it is only when we are at the end of ourselves that we are truly able to begin to understand the power of God.  

So, my friend, it’s not an end.

It’s a beginning.

 © deni weber 2010-2015