It’s Worth It


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More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, Philippians 3:8 a (NASB)

God?

I don’t get it.

No, not the cancer part.  I’ve realized it happens in this world fractured by sin.  Your word talks about the way our creation grown and suffers under the weight of sin. I know I am not singled out - many have gone down this road. 

I don’t get the way I’m feeling.

I don’t think I’m numb - or in shock - or in denial, although I guess any of those could be true. 

I mean, I know that is a stage of grief.

I’ve had moments of feeling anxious - but I’m not really upset.

As my beloved Steve would have said, “It is what it is.”

And I can remember in counseling, when I’d tell folks it didn’t matter how the situation happened - what was important was their response.  I’d frame it as, “It doesn’t matter if you fell down the stairs or if you got pushed.  You are at the bottom of the stairs.  What are you gonna do now?”

So, I tell myself, “OK, I have cancer.  I have surgery on Monday.  This is where I am. What am I gonna do now?”

So, I look around inside.

And it’s ok.

It’s so ok, it almost scares me.

That is when I become aware of your power and grace. This almost feels surreal.  You have surrounded me with loving, praying friends.  You have gift me with family who cares and will be willingly caring for me. 

And I feel safe.

Lord, I’ve always craved feeling safe.

I don’t think I ever have.  At least not in the midst of storms.

But you are holding on to me so tightly right now, I feel as if I am literally resting in your arms.

And I am blessed.

And if cancer is what it has taken to get me to this point in my life with You, it’s worth it.  The cardiac arrest, all of it.

My hopes and dreams?

I finally understand Paul … I count it all loss …

Thank you for allowing me to experience this peace.

Thank you for allowing me to experience life.

Lord …. ?

I love you.

And I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you love me.

And no matter how any of this turns out,

I am blessed.

Your child,

deni

For my praying friends, my surgery is scheduled for 11:00 am Central Time.  I’d ask that you pray for my doctor, the surgical team, and for God’s guidance for all involved.  I’d also ask you to pray for the best possible outcome, one that is firmly in line with God’s will for my life. With His love, deni 


 © deni weber 2010-2015