Now What, God?

Some life events leave us wondering, "What Now, God?" Yet, there is one thing we can count on that will never change - God's love for us.

Always and Forever.tiff

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. Hebrews 13:8

The wake and the funeral are over.

The flowers are gone.

The sympathy cards are tucked away.

There is no evidence of the tornado that blew through our lives this past week.

As I awake, I look around.

Same room.

Same furnishings.

Same morning sounds.

But everything is different.

I expect to hear my husband grousing from the other room that he can't find his glasses, or his phone, or his magnifier.

But it's quiet.

I start to think about the future and who I am now.

A lot of my identity is gone.

I'm no longer a wife.

I'm no longer a "help-meet."

I am this strange thing called a widow.

To be honest I'm not sure who I am.

So many earthly relationships changed the day my husband died.

Sons lost a father.  Brothers lost a brother.  Friends lost a friend.

There will forever be an empty spot in this life for each one of us who knew and loved him.

And yet - yet there is one constant.

And oh, how I need that constant.

Because after all the outpourings of love and support, I am ultimately facing the day-to-dayness of this life alone.

My new challenge?  Learning to face my illnesses again.  This time, my reliance has to be completely on God.

No husband staying with me in the hospital.

No crawling into bed next to him when my symptoms begin to scare me or I hurt so badly I don't think I can take another moment of it. I crave a few moments of warmth - of the security of him.

No more "I love you's" even as I grow heavier and look less and less like me.

None of that mattered to him.

What mattered is that he loved me - the me I am inside.

And as I think about that love, my picture of God opens up a whole lot more.

I see, through the eyes of my husband, someone else who loves me in spite of my illnesses.

Someone else who doesn't mind if I curl up close to Him in the middle of the night.

Someone else who doesn't care what I weigh or that my hair is thinning and I never wear make-up anymore.

The only think that matters to Him is that I love Him.

And that, I do.

Father God, it amazes me that you take our pain and our challenges and are able to bring us to new depths of knowledge of who You are.  Thank you for each person in our lives who reveals a bit more of who You are and the amazing way you love us.  Thank you that You are the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  Thank you that when everything else falls away, You are there.  Amen and amen.


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