Open Letter to My Friend

This is one of my most personal posts.  To be honest, I’ve really debated about posting it here.  Yet, it says most clearly what is happening in my life right now.

Readers have asked me a lot of questions lately, regarding my health, my spiritual walk, life in general.  I received an especially dear letter from a friend and I thought that my response to her might answer a lot of questions.

My Dear One,

Your note brought me to tears.  

Yes, I seem to be a medical conundrum, of sorts.  

I’m trying to learn that God has it covered no matter what - He knows right where I am.

There are moments I get scared, moments I cry - but thankfully, they don’t last long and soon I am able to see the good again.

I’m learning to remember that my joy rests in my salvation.  That, and that alone, is something I am so grateful for.

As for this life?  It’s always been this way - at least since I married my first husband.  I sure didn’t know what I was starting!  Things have pretty much been one thing after another - sick kids, alcoholic husband, abuse - of myself and my children were so common.  I’ve spoken with my boys and we agree that we know what it is to live in hell … at least on earth.

Thankfully, I am out of that - but remnants remain.

Yes, there has been pain.

But, dear friend  - I was such a self-centered, self-righteous, greedy, materialistic person, that I have to be grateful God is peeling that off of me.

It has taken a lot - IS taking a lot to knock me off dead center of worshipping myself and my wants - and slowly seeing God more clearly in my life.

I’m not sure what I’ll be like when this life ends.  Something completely different I pray!  When my mom died, I was so saddened that she died with so much fear.  I prayed I would not be the person my mother was when she passed on.

I’ve always carried so much fear.  And, bit by bit, I’m learning to put that down.  But the lessons only seem to come through the trials. Difficult ones.

Please, don’t cry for me.  I am right where God wants me.  I don’t understand it at all and sometimes question the why of it.  Then I tell myself it has to be for a reason.  A good reason.

After years and years, I kinda like me.  That took a long time.  Yes, there are parts of me that I know still need to be peeled away - pruned - but I feel as if I am truly becoming something new.

I fall back into pity parties.  I look at others and have wondered why.  Then God nudges me to remind me that He is free to do what He feels is best in our lives.

Strong?  I’m not sure.  I know I am resilient.  I don’t give up.  At least, not for long.  But it is only because God continues to beckon me onward.  Without Him?  Don’t know how anyone does it.

When I was a kid, my favorite saying was, “It’s not fair!!!”  My dad would tell me that no one said it would be fair.  And, I’m finding that those who say that it is easy, have it all wrong as well.  Growing is painful. 

I’m trying to learn not to take anything for granted.  For a spoiled little brat who got everything she wanted, it’s not easy!

And one of the things I am learning not to take for granted are the amazing friendships God has given me.  Years ago, I felt so alone in this.  Even my husband didn’t truly understand until his cancer hit.  And even then, it was different.  I’ve never had many friends.  Have few “in real life” friends, and God allowed my world to evolve online.

I’ve gotten to know so many amazingly sweet and wonderful people - of which I am grateful you are one.  I don’t know why God blessed me with such caring, loving people, but He has.  And I am grateful.

As to how you can help me? I simply covet your prayers.  The passage I am praying lately for myself and others is Colossians 1:9-14.

And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy,  giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.’

That is the prayer I covet for myself - knowing His will … walking worthy, being pleasing, bearing fruit and on and on.

I know I don’t understand all that happens - but I am learning just how much God loves me by allowing these things in my life.  He doesn’t want me to stay the person that I once was.

Many hugs and kisses ……

Love you dearly,

 © deni weber 2010-2015