Some days even  answering an email feels like too much to do.  

I find my words are strangely silent with little for me to say as I struggle with so many things.  My faith included.  I am having to immerse myself in Scripture to silence the doubts that arise.

Sometimes I feel ashamed of what I see as my “little faith” when I so often become afraid.

And lonely - don’t forget lonely.

Yes, I have family around me - but it is no where near the same as when I had my husband to share with.  I realize I can talk with God about anything - but I miss the instant feedback of my husband who was so often proud of me. I didn’t appreciate what I had … when I had it.

When I would do artwork - I would show it to my mom and to  my husband.  I was proud of what I did - and they were too - and well …. it felt good.

Now, it’s so different.

Depression comes round easily these days.  Trying to motivate myself to move - to try - to do everything for myself that I possibly can, while knowing it could and maybe should trigger a heart event (I am on a second 30-day heart monitor), is challenging.

I try to do what I think God wants me to do - and end up blocked.

I make plans - putting my high schooler back in school after homeschool - and find out it’s not in his best interests as we’d lose credits.

Trying to start a small internet business that could bless others and make use of my abilities.

Everywhere I turn ….  

So - I guess it is time to quit turning and stay still for a while.

It hadn’t really dawned on me that this might be “as good as it gets.”  As time goes by and my condition only slowly improves, with many setbacks - it still feels like a decline.

A decline that is hard to accept.

I want to do so much - but God is saying, “No.”  I feel my motives are good - my desires are not evil - then why all the opposition?

I tend to question so much.

There are days I just want to give up trying.

Yet, there is something within me that begins to stir when I reach this place.  There is something that want to hold on and to grab out for something more.  Someone more.

I don’t understand my life.  I force myself not to compare.  It could be better.  It could also be a lot worse.

I must allow no room for self-pity.

I must put on the armor God has provided for me - and wait … if waiting is what I need do.

I am so grateful that God holds on to us - when we feel too tired, weak, and discouraged to hold on to Him.

We are blessed.

The Whole Armor of God

A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

Therefore, put on every piece of God’s armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God’s righteousness. For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared.[e] 16 In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil. Put on salvation as your helmet, and take the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

Pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere. And pray for me, too. Ask God to give me the right words so I can boldly explain God’s mysterious plan that the Good News is for Jews and Gentiles alike. I am in chains now, still preaching this message as God’s ambassador. So pray that I will keep on speaking boldly for him, as I should. Ephesians 6: 10-20

 © deni weber 2010-2015