Shattered

What do you do when life hits you with a sudden, unwanted and hurtful blow?  How do you deal with the aftermath? Do you dwell on the resultant pain, or do you allow God to apply His healing balm? 

broken mirror.jpeg

My life feels shattered, much like the above photograph. There is this huge hole in my life - and every where I turn I seem to run into a jagged, hurtful edge. And my body is evidence of the stress I am feeling.

Saturday night found me in the emergency room, throat feeling tight and so swollen I could barely swallow, hives and welts popping up everywhere on my body and itching beyond belief.  And I was there without my darling husband who knew just exactly what to say to the ER people about my conditions.  He was in many ways the guard dog that protected me from the dangers that present themselves in the ER.  I'm so allergic that more harm can be done than good sometimes.

I was having a severe allergic reaction to something.  The problem is that we don't know what that something actually is.  

Then, once in the room, finding out that - unlike the information given to me by our insurance company that had promised three months of insurance after my husband's death - that my insurance had been canceled at the end of April.

Needless to say, with no insurance to cover all of my expenses, I was given steroids - a few other drugs - and sent home, only to wake with extreme body pain - no doubt from the steroids that don't like my body.

That gives me just cause to complain, don't you think?

I sure wanted to think so.

What verse comes to my mind? Philippians 2:14

"Do all things without grumbling or disputing."

Noooooooooo!

I WANT to grumble and complain.  I WANT to say how unfair this all is.  I WANT to stomp my feet!

Then suddenly, I realize where I am and what I am doing.

That spoiled little brat who lives inside of me is being vocal again.  I was acting just like the child I had written about the day before.

*sigh*

I'm not sure why, once the words fall off my fingers onto the computer screen, that God allows me the opportunities to see if I do indeed walk the walk.

This time I fell about halfway off course I think.

I finally caught myself and realized what I was doing.

I don't know exactly why I am experiencing all I am.  I don't know why any of you are dealing with what you have in front of you.  Not truly.

But I do know this.

I know that when I put God back into the mix, when I stop the "I want's" and stop telling God that this is all unfair, and simply look to Him.

It gets better.

No, the hives are not completely gone.  The body pain is still here.  I'm not feeling well.  But today I am facing it differently.

I'm doing what I can about it (seeing my doctor this afternoon), and leaving it to God.

Yesterday my YouVersion Bible app verse was Matthew 6:27-30:

And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life? ANd why are you worried about clothing" Observe how the Lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all of his glory clothed himself like one of these.  But if God so clothes the grass of the field which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you?  You of little faith!

I'm not going to worry.  What's happening is happening.  Stressing out about it is only going to make things that much worse.

Do I like all that is happening?

No.

Can I live with it?

Only with God at my side, holding my hand, and telling me that it's all gonna be ok - simply because I am with Him.

Amen and amen.

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