The Bread of Adversity

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And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher.  And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left.  Isaiah 30:21

When I was little, I used to have these dreams - nightmares really - where I would get lost.  I might take a walk away from my house - turn around to come back and find a maze of unfamiliar streets.  It was a recurrent dream that woke me feeling fearful, lost, and alone.

I’m realizing just how much this current journey I am on feels  the same way.  When I look for where to go next - I find myself in an unfamiliar world.  A scary world.  I feel much like a boat at sea that has lost its rudder and is being driven every which way the waves decide to take it.

As I was journaling today, it dawned on me that the feeling beneath the feeling is one of having no control.

I’m in charge of little now.  My home, my ambitions, my health, so - so many things.  And it is not a feeling I like.

The more I write, the more I realize that this is exactly where God wants me.  I have nothing else to rely on.  Everything else has been stripped away.  There is no vestige of “I can do it myself, thank you very much” left inside of me.

What a frightening place.

Yet, what a glorious place.  It is ironic that the place where I am closest to God is when I feel the most frightened, lost, and alone.  

Bible verses mean so much more to me.  My prayers become more sincere.  I become honest with myself.  I can take a good hard look at me and realize I don’t like the “me” that I see, and am so grateful that God sees me as I will be and not as I am.

So, while I look at the challenging maze ahead of me, I realize I need now, more than ever to listen to that still small voice that tells me, “This is the way - walk in it.”

There is an old saying: “When the student is ready, the Teacher appears.”  With tears in my eyes I realize just how true this is.  God has made me ready, and my Teacher hides Himself no more.

 © deni weber 2010-2015