The Worrier Begins to Understand

wizard of oz 1092 wizard.jpg

“I am Oz, the great and powerful!”

Most of you will recognize that quote from the movie “The Wizard of Oz.”

When I was a kid, I was truly frightened of the manufactured wizard that Dorothy and her companions faced.  How terrifying!

And, I have to admit that for a long time, I viewed God through those same child-like eyes.

Yes, my view of God has changed over the years, but I realize just how much that original impression of who God is has hindered my spiritual growth.

As I learn more about my propensity to worry, I am beginning to see some of the roots of my fears.

I worry because I don’t trust God to take care of me.

I don’t trust God to take care of me because I don’t always realize how much God loves me.

And I don’t realize how much God loves me because ….?

I could cite many childhood reasons for not understanding the love of a father for a child.  I didn’t have that modeled for me.  I felt unloved and unimportant when I was growing up.  I didn’t even know a father was “supposed” to love his children.

Yet, I am grown now - and responsible for my reactions and emotions.

And, once again, delving into Scripture is renewing my mind.

(And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. Romans 12:2)

I’ve often wondered why it is so difficult for me to love.

Sometimes, I feel as if my heart has been turned off.  I often point back to my daughter’s death as a turning point.  If you don’t love someone with all your heart, your heart can’t get broken.

But it’s more than that.

I’ve never, ever fully realized the depth of God’s love for me.  

I probably never will in this lifetime.

But I am learning that the only reason I can love, is because God first loved me. (1 John 4:19 We love because he first loved us.)

Loves me tenderly.  Watches over me.  Cares for me.

That can be very hard for me to absorb - for me to understand.

And, I’m finding I need the constant reassurances I find in His word that He loves me so much, I can certainly trust Him.

Lately, that’s a steep learning curve as even more health issues surface that I’ve been unaware of.  Ones that, perhaps, will yield some answers to why I am so weak and fatigued.  Why I have some heart issues.

Yet, they may not give answers - only lead to more questions and challenges.  

And more chances to understand that I need not worry because He loves me perfectly and completely.  That in His eyes I am important.

This is a huge lesson for me.

It’s a difficult lesson for me.

It involves me changing beliefs held from childhood.  That yes, God is indeed great and powerful.  But it is love - and not fear - that allows me to trust and let go of my fears.

I never understood the verse 

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love. 1 John 4:18

I’m beginning to understand.

And I’m grateful.

 © deni weber 2010-2015