Twice Saved

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I have been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.  And the life I now live in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself up for me.  Galatians 2:20

Two months ago, I fell off my own pedestal  The woman who felt she was so strong in the Lord, has realized just how weak she truly is.

I will admit these have been difficult months.  I don’t think I have faced anything as challenging, albeit completely different, since the brutal death of my daughter nine years ago.

My writing doesn’t seem the same. Words don’t just “flow.”  

Neither does my life.

I move forward in fits and starts.  I have setbacks.  I face fears I didn’t know I had.  I often struggle just to make it through the days. I often feel I fail in what matters most to me - my faith.  My faith so often feels small.

But I am learning.

Oh my, how I am learning.

It was God and God alone who sustained me through the days I barely remember.  Days when I didn’t know I was in critical condition.  Days I didn’t know I was on a ventilator.  Days when I didn’t know that my life could just as easily ended on that Saturday night two months ago, yet for whatever reason, God choose to hide me away until I could be “brought back.” 

I am learning how focused I have become on my health - even to the point of its being an “idol” in my life. (More about that another time.)

I am learning that there is truly nothing … nothing of importance without God first and foremost in my life and that He, in His tender mercy, loves me even when I do not deserve to be loved.

I am learning that to avoid the fears that reach out to drown me as they seek me out with icy tentacles, that my preservation is in God’s word.

I’m learning that my fears and anxieties  freeze me where I am - and that God and God alone can sustain me.

I am learning it does no good to look back with “what if’s’ - nor look forward with the same.

I am learning just how hard it is to stay in the now - how the only way I can possibly battle those seemingly never-ending fears is to take them to the cross again and again and again.

And, I am learning, finally after years and years or not really understanding, what it means to abide in Him and just how hard that is to do, as I push my self out of the way over and over again to do so.

I am learning I cannot even take the next moment in this world for granted. And I am ever-so-slowly learning that that is ok. Because there is another world waiting for me with open arms and I will no longer dwell in shadows - but in truth.

I am learning that God is far more loving, far more merciful, far more kind than I ever imagined.  There is so much about God I do not understand - yet long to know.  

It brings me to tears to realize I am now “twice-saved” by God.

Once when my heart stopped and miraculously began to beat again in perfect rhythm, surprising the emergency room personnel.

And once, the most important time of all, when He allowed Himself to die for me so that I might live on - in Him.

Father God, I am so completely humbled by the way you care for us.  Your all-encompassing goodness and mercy overwhelm me.  It brings me to tears to realize just how much you truly love us.  How much you want us to abide in You so we can live on, not for ourselves, but for You and You alone.  Amen and amen.

 © deni weber 2010-2015