What God Did With My "Down" Time

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Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they?  Has no one condemned you?”  “No one, sir,” she said. “Then neither do I condemn you,” Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”  John 8: 10-11

Some kind of bug has meandered through my house, leaving me with less energy than usual.  It's a hard time of year, so succumbing to illness is not terribly surprising.  Kind of dismaying, but not surprising.

I've been writing more in my journal lately.

Not up to doing a whole lot more actually.  But how productive God has made these days of recovering from sickness.

Yesterday, feeling very discouraged, I found the need for help looming large.  I am trying very hard to take those needs to God before I voice them to others, unless I am asking for prayer.

That prayer took an interesting twist.

Rather than providing me the help I thought I needed, God chose to work with me in a different area of my life.  As I wrote, many feelings of bitterness and resentment arose in me. Also, the strong feelings of not measuring up to whatever standard I have decided I need to ascribe to.

I remembered a book I had ordered when I read about it, but had never picked up to read. It is about who we are in Christ and how we view ourselves. This seems to be a recurring theme in my life right now. I had just about forgotten I had even ordered the book, much less read it.

So, I began to read - and was surprised when I read how much of the way we view ourselves ties into forgiveness.

Now, I've always considered myself a pretty forgiving person.  But as I read more and wrote more in my journal, I realized that outwardly, I can look that way.  I say I don't "do" revenge.  And in many ways, that is true.  I don't act out outwardly, but I do hold on and hold it in.  And, it grows in me.  Like a cancer, it eats away at me.  In fact, cancer has eaten away at me.  Coincidence?  I now wonder.

Oh, I hide it well.  I smile and joke and most people think I'm nice.

But inside?  Inside I seethe and smolder.

I can be so bitingly sarcastic.  I've always thought it just a family trait.  But again ... I wonder.

I realized that it is time.

It is time to let go of the chains I am holding on to so tightly and so habitually that I am almost completely unaware they are there - holding me down.  The ones by which I am keeping myself prisoner - and destroying myself.

I made a list.  (Oh, how I love lists!)

Much like the 4th step in A.A. (more on this in a prayerfully forthcoming post), I made a list of people who, for whatever reason, I have never really forgiven.

It took me quite a while.  It was a long list.  

I didn't know I held all that inside.  And I'm guessing there is probably more.

Name flowed after name.  All the way back to my childhood.  Incidents where I felt humiliated.  Ashamed.  Abused.  Used.  They each had a small tentacle hold on me.  Or - I on them.

I realized that it was time.

It IS time.

Time to let go.

Time to truly forgive.

Time to accept the freedom I have in Christ.

Is there an "end" to this post?  Something that ties it all neatly together?  Not yet.  Were I to continue to write - this would be quite long - so I will spread it out over  the next several days.

Just know that forgiveness is the theme  - albeit - a hard one. 

And that there is resolve.  A joyful resolve.

I pray you stay with me the next several postings and I pray God grants me the health to continue to post.

Oh, and a praise!!!!  I found a keyboard for my iPad and a way to connect to my computer so I can post from my iPad. My computer’s electromagnetic emissions make me sick when I hold it.  God provided a way ...  How good is that?

Till next time ....


 © deni weber 2010-2015