When Bitterness Makes a Home

The Heart of Bitterness.jpg

My journal has become my confessional as I talk with God.  

This morning I woke with bitterness in my heart. I had had my feelings hurt.  

I’ve never found it easy to talk to people either in person or on the phone. The computer world makes communication easy for me. I think it’s an autistic/asperger thing.

Yet, the other day I decided to reach out to several people who had told me that, no matter what, they’d be there for me when I needed them. But when I did reach out - no one was there. At first I felt saddened.  Then bitterness and self-pity crept in.

God brought some verses that I’ve been trying to memorize to mind. I believe that memorizing them means little if I don’t apply them to my life - so I began to write in my blog instead of making a few snarky comments on Facebook - I’m sure you know the kind.  No one knows exactly who you mean, except the recipient of the darts.  Like I said.  Snarky.

The verses that challenged me?

1 Corinthians 13:1-7

I wrote …

How these verses are convicting me!  What do I truly know of love?

You say:  Love is patient.  I’m certainly not always.

Love is kind.  I am … most of the time.

Love is not jealous.  Oh!  How I can still envy others.

Love does not brag.  But I do.  Just ask me the exact number of subscribers I have to this blog.  I certainly can and will tell you.

and is not arrogant.   But I can be.

does not act unbecomingly.  Oh, I can at times!  I was just itching to write those words!

does not seek its own.  (Let’s not even go there …)

does not take in account a wrong suffered.  (Ouch!!!  That hits home!)

does not rejoice in unrighteousness.  I don’t believe that part is true of me.  But wasn’t there a tiny part of me that wanted to hurt them? Or at least let them know they hurt me?

but rejoices in the truth.  I’m pretty sure I do … except when it is the truth about what is being revealed in me.

bears all things.  - not so well.

believes all things - I try.  

hopes all things.  Yes.  I do hope.

endures all things.  Often, not so gracefully.

How grateful I am for Romans 8:1

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

But Lord, I don’t just want forgiveness.  I want to manifest that love spoken of in 1 Corinthians 13.  Your love.

So now, I think of these friends, and realize that the loving thing to do is to just let it go.  It’s not about me.  It’s about them.  Why do I feel the need to point out the hypocrisy in their words when I so easily deny the hypocrisy in me?  Help me to love them, Lord, in spite of their letting me down, maybe even because of it.

I know I’ve let You down … and You still love me.

Help me to love them … Your way.

Amen and amen.

(Oh, and just to let you readers know that this is not a sideways way of retaliation, which it could easily be … the folks involved don’t read this blog.)

 © deni weber 2010-2015