When the Unspeakable Happens

When the Unspeakable Happens Will I .jpeg

Therefore, I urge you, brethren, by the mercies o God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.  And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.”  Romans 12: 1-2


Sometimes, as I try to make sense of the happenings in my life recently, I find myself drawn to analogies.


This time of year, I usually become aware of a word for the coming year and a verse. This year’s is a no brainer for me, staring me in the face.


Scripture? Romans 12:1-2


Word? Transformation


My analogy?


Of course, the most magical transformation I can think of - that from caterpillar to butterfly.


Probably trite and overused, but fitting.


I’m seeing how my life up until Thanksgiving morning has been that of a caterpillar, securely cocooned away attached firmly to the branch provided by my Father. 


But circumstances have dictated that cocoon time is over and my life must undergo a transformation - one that can only occur by and with God’s amazing grace.


I KNOW His hand is in this.


Yet, I’m also identifying strongly with that caterpillar undergoing the most amazing metamorphosis of his life. I know an unhatched butterfly must struggle to be set free from it’s cocoon. 


It’s that very struggle that forces the much needed fluid into his wings so that it can harden them and allow the strength to fly.


 Driven only by instinct, the struggle takes place.


I find myself wondering if the process hurts. Does the former caterpillar wonder what's happening? Does it question why? Does it ever want to return to it’s former cocooned, safe life?


Or does it simply obey that instinct placed inside it by God?


My guess is the latter.


Yet, I see the former in myself.


I don't want to leave the cocoon of my former life. I want to scream, “Change back!”, as I watch my home, my family, my life, being shredded by the ungodly choices some family members have made. 


I feel deep shame. I see darkness most everywhere. How can God possibly bring good from this?


Lies.


Deceit.


The willful breaking of covenants.


Selfishness to a degree I’ve not witnessed in 64 years.


Family hurting other family simply to cause pain.


Unspeakable acts.


And I?


I am the collateral damage. Little of this was aimed at me, but it has changed my life completely and forever.  There is no going back now.


And so, I look to God for answers.


"What do I do next?" I whisper in the night.


Oswald Chambers devotion for today sheds much needed light.


Will I trust in my own mental understanding of this situation, or will I trust in God? 


Will I ignore and leave my feelings behind?


Will I come to Him, fully surrendered, seeing no hope, but believing in my own transformation process that is being orchestrated by Him.


Truth be told, there is no choice.


There is nowhere else to go. At least, not for me.  Not anymore. (An aside - did you know nowhere is also “now” and “here”? The only place we can meet God.)


So, will I?


Yes, Lord.


I will.


I must.


(The image is taken from my art journal page for today - which inspired this post.  I thank God for finally giving me the words, the will, the strength, and the courage to post once more.)

 © deni weber 2010-2015